I'm a stupid f*ck!!

For real.. How stupid can I get?
Today when I was in the laundry room and was supposed to throw some clothes in the dryer:

I throw them at the dryer, they bounce back down into thew laundry basket... I look at the clothes.. Look at the dryer... (Time went by.............) It's closed... The hatch was closed.... I just stood there like a dumb nut for 30 seconds before realizing the hatch was closed.... Oh how stupid I felt....

Where's my brain at?

Put random title here....

I didn't die at the dentist!! I'm actually kinda proud of my self even thou every time the door into the examination room opened adrenaline ruched through my body in fear when I was waiting outside! haha! But I found out I also have cavities in another tooth and need to fix two teeth... In 2 weeks.... Alone.... The first time in my entire life I'm going to the dentist alone.... I don't want to, so if anyone is free the 24th October you are more than welcome to follow me to Bromma!!! I'll even pay you.. Or something... Just don't let me go alone!!!!!!! Please? m(_ _)m <-- Me begging... 

And today I told my mother about my weekend (Even thou I think she reads my blog?) and she asked me: "Why are you so aggressive when you go out" (Told her about the "fight" and hard style "move people away dance") And I thought about it.... I have lots and lots of built up aggression in my body, just waiting to explode. I told a friend before: "I'm just waiting  for the day someone tries to mug/rape me so that I can kill that person and claim self defense..." And yes I am afraid of myself... Afraid that I'll explode when having my daughter close, that I'll do something bad to her, not being able to control myself. And I have nothing to take out that aggression on... Except hardcore dancing and bar fights! haha!

Wow I really like this song playing on the radio, David Guetta - Play hard. Except for the Dj MangooEuro-shit mix part... He is a stupid f*ck.... (Never EVER have sex with a DJ.. Just a tip!)

The lady with the apartment haven't answered my e-mails... Not even a single "Fuck you, I changed my mind..." Makes me sad, I was hoping a bit.... I really really NEED to move! I need to have my friends within at least a 30 min radius. And I need a job, I need people around me, even if it's a stranger on the bus or a crowd in the subway (involuntarily hugging!! <3).

My teeth feels strange... And shiny! :D I think I have to eat something, again... 3rd dinner! haha!
And if anyone would like to buy a cold with slimy coughing, golf ball thick tonsils and a runny nose you can have it for any price, just take it! You can have it for free if you want to!!

I was going to see a movie.. Where did the movie go? Well I have to put it ON right? Or maybe sleep...? No, move makes my brain sit like a child in front of a good cartoon, still and quiet... ;)

Have to go.. Pai pai!

Insomnia...

Since I can't sleep anyway and my brain is working on overload, I downloaded... I mean, I rented a movie! War Horse, since I felt like crying (like I haven't done that enough! haha!) AND I made my self some nice hot broth with two cloves of garlic and some hot Thai chili sauce! Tastes good! I love garlic, but not the way I smell after! haha! But... The garlic is for curing my cold. YES I am desperate and I'm trying everything right now. The Chinese cold medicine works, but only if you keep having it and I cant afford to buy it every other week... 120 Sek.... For almost 2 weeks... Maybe 1,5...
I even bought Ginger candies!! I hate ginger!! But I have to admit they taste kinda good actually.... That Thai shop is my rescue in the hellhole! Pocky! <3 And juckey sweet yell-o candies! <3 And I'm going to try those shrimp chips too! And maybe force them to take home some Korean and Japanese stuff too... ;)

Well now it's movie time! Tomorrow I'm going to the dentist.... I'm going to die.. DIE I TELL YA!!!!

Pai pai!

Just have to....

I just have to write this down... Because, whatever comes to my mind...... Yeah you know.

YOU need to step up to yourself, get your shit together. Pick yourself up from the ground, stand up.. Look around you. What do you have in front of you? Who/whom is by your side always? Who/whom loves you always? What do you have to feel bad and depressed about? If you don't know what makes you happy... Then you are lost... No need for you to live anymore! Or is there? Isn't there a trillion reasons for you to keep living? Isn't there a million reasons for you to be happy? Isn't there at least one reason for you to love?
Just fucking stop it..... OK?

All i need is love... And if you give me love, I will give you everything.... Applies to everyone! I told you before.. When I love, I love 110%.... I know I shouldn't do that....
But I believe everyone deserves to be loved. And I have allot of love to give.

But I have learned that I can't give love to everyone... Yes I have been utilized, used, thrown in the garbage... Just because I wanted to love. So I learn.. I have learned not to love those who doesn't love me, show me love, are kind and nice to me, respect me and at least try to make me a bit happy...

And I love to make people happy, to help people... And yes, I have been utilized for that too.... Because I make people happy, and when they are happy, the don't need me anymore... I help people, and get nothing in return...

I know I'm not perfect... Far from perfect.... But I want to make the world around me a better place by making sure everyone that surrounds me are happy and live well...
And so I forgot myself again.... But.... If you are happy, I will be too.. I hope....
I have carefully selected those in my life, the close ones, for the way they are, their personalities, their abilities... And the way they love and care for me....
I LOVE YOU ALL!!! So deep from my heart.... <3

"All I wanted was to hear those words from you that only I could hear.

Those small whispers in my ear. 

Those three words that could change our lives forever.

I love you, please say you love me too... 

And I promise you that we will always be together, to the end of time."

I wrote this for you....

The weekend!

WOW how I hate tehcnology! But I love the ones who can fix it! Thuesday 2nd my computer died... For good.... (R.I.P) That's why I have'nt updated in a few days. But my lovely stepfather gave me a laptop!!!! Can you get how nice that is?!?! It's not a new one, but I don't care as long as it works. I'm really happy! I just had to leave it at a friends place for him to fix a few things on it.

Now let me tell you about my weekend!
Friday: Got to my Panda, aruing with his friends about which noghtclub we were supposed to go to. Desided on Göta Källare as planned at first. Met up with the others outside and got in. Almost empty.... But after a while there was more people there and we had allot of fun! Me and my Mary almost got in a fight and hardcore danced all night lon.. Well untill my body told me how old I really am.....

Lucas, Panda, K, me and my Mary! <3

But the best thing about Friday was when I got to sheck my mail on Pandas computer and saw I got a mail from a lady who wanted to trade her 3 room appartment in Bagarmossen (Stockholm) to my 2 roomer here in this little town! She actually want to live here AND her 3 roomer is 150 SEK sheeper than my 2 roomer!!! Do you get that? I get a room more and pay less!!! :D
Now I just have to find a job, like RIGHT NOW!
I picked on guys... But that you will read more about in Saturady's story!

And Saturday.. Oh dear I wanted to take it easy, see a movie and just relax... We went for a "Fika" (Typical Swedish thing apparantly.. Coffee and some cake..) Panda got tired and went home to sleep. Me and K stayed in town and waited for Whifie (My whife) and went to see a move. Saw Paranorman in 3D. I don't like 3D, it makes my eyes and head hurt.... But the movie was good, really funny some times!

Then we went to another nightclub, Amnesia. We were all tired but I had a fun time. I was just thinking a little too much.... I'm so stressed right now... Oh and yeah, I was picking on guys, but not to get laid or anything.. I was looking for a job! haha! Not even out having fun I can relax....

Today Sunday.. Woke up with a weird mood... Felt really tired all the time, almost fainted when blowdrying my hair... I went to rest on the sofa and fell asleep for a while. I woke up after a few minutes and got up to get ready, felt really week, lay on the sofa again... Panda came home from the store with energy drinks for me. <3 We got in the car to go get my computer at his friends. I was talking and happy... But suddenly I started to cry without ant reason.. It just.... The tears was just flowing... I put my self together, fell asleep again in the car a few times, but when we almost got to the bus station I started crying again. I didn't want to leave Panda. Not when I felt this way... All I wanted was to be hugged. Not to be alone.

When I got home the cat had peed on my slippers and I got so mad!!! It was rage!! I threw the cat out (Gently) and threw the slippers in the washing machine, mopped the floor and sat down to install my computer. Then Daughter got home and I felt calm again. Now I'm really tired, but I'm affraid to sleep. Don't know why...

Maybe I need to sleep soon... Just have to fix a few more things on the computer.

Pai pai!

Today!

I hate technology.... The TV-antenna is broken so I have no channels, the computer has some malfunction in the system files and my trusty old phone is acting up... I had to stress-pay my bills today, and restart the computer in the middle of it...

Today we visited Tindras->fathers->girlfriends->sister (rigid aunt?) in the hospital. She got happy to see Tindra again and Tindra got happy to see her! :) I really hope she gets well soon! One of the nicest persons I know, doesn't deserve being ill... GET WELL SOON A!! <3

Today I will dye my hair! Maybe there will be photos if it goes well... ;)

Dazzling?

Just heard that SHINee's new Dazzling girl music video that is about to be released in a few days, is out! What I think about it? Well I love SHINee! I really do, but I think SM is destroying their image and their personal sound.. The only thing I liked about the song was the Key/Minho rap part! And I don't even like rap that much! And the video...? Onew is cute as always! That's all I can say about the video.... Please bring back that sweet, innocent boy band group that SHINee used to be !! PLEASE SM-Entertainment! PLEASE!!

Here is the video! I think... (It's hard to try to copy HTML when it's in Japanese!!)

Well Ok the HTML was wrong/didn't work, so here is a LINK to the page... Take a look!!

Click the LINK text or on the picture to get to the video page!