Romantic crap! I love that shit!!

Happy new year!
Or... New year at least.... 2014 started with a major depression. I feel better now, but still a bit depressed....

I... The one who always said that marriage is bogus, love never lasts, love is fake, love is just a mix of hormones in your body.... I have been crying over proposal videos on YouTube all afternoon!! And some wedding videos too! I... Who absolutely, definitely, never ever would get married, have already planed my wedding into the smallest detail!
From the dress (almost!) to the songs that will be played! And with who????

I don't think I will ever get the romantic fantasy wedding of my dreams..... Because Panda isn't very romantic, at all, and a bit too selfish too... ;) He would make it HIS day! haha! IF we ever get married at all....
But I can't see my self marrying anyone else.... I didn't even want to get married before I met him!!

But things go too slow... Too many things are in the way and stuff happening, minds changing, lack of money and other obstacles are in the way of us even moving in together, so marriage is out of the question, just a dream... A far far far away dream....

Moving in together is a dream too? Being happy, it's a dream too? Well, depression..... Hello again and you are not welcome back!

Now my focus will be on my studies! My goal will be to finish. 4 years of studying! FIGHTING!!

FUCK!!!!!

If you love someone, you have to let them go. Isn't it so?
Tomorrow it's been 6 months with Panda. And maybe 6 moths is all we get...? I don't want to be the one who stand in the way of someones dreams or possibilities, and I won't. But my heart is screaming "I LOVE YOU!! DON'T GO!!"
He says I don't have to cry, it's not decided yet. But it feels like he is saying nice things and doing nice things just to keep me happy until he goes. Just yesterday I told my friend "I can finally see a future with someone, a future with him." And a few weeks ago I told another friend "I'm just waiting for that bomb to drop on me. The one that always comes when I'm happy and feeling good and in love." BOOM there it is...

I have been crying so much my T-shirt is wet... I just have to process this.... IF he goes, witch means we have to break up since I can't go with him, I will never ever be able to love again. Not for a very long time. That bastard really stole my heart.... Having marriage- and pregnancy dreams (HEY! I don't want to get married or have children. But I had a dream about it!) and being happy, both in the dreams and in reality when thinking about it. It never happened before. Fuck the dude just made me laugh for real for the fist time in a very very long time! I'm happy!! And now...

I'm not going to push him to stay, I'm going to encourage him. I don't want him to stay because of my own ego. But I hope he stays, that HE decides to stay on his own. I really do... I can't deny that. I will try not to unconsciously affect him, but since I don't want him to go, I probably will in some way....

Have to try to sleep now... Have to get up early..

Pai pai.... /Teri

My 50th post!

But I can't celebrate... I can't sleep. My stomach and chest is burning with worry and my hands are shaking. Not to talk about my brain going crazy! I have trust issues again....
It's strange how one fucking lie can fuck you up so much!

Thinking back, all the memories, all the hurting, all the pain, all the anxiety... Re-living it again... It's not fun and I don't want to!!! I can't trust anyone, not even my self sometimes.... I just want to cry, but this time I won't let my self do that.
This time, if this person is willing to fight to regain my trust, I will not cry! Instead I will try. I want to trust... But... One lie makes me think "What else is there that have been lies? Is ***** lying about something else? Have ***** done something ***** is lying about?" Well you get the picture.... Just one lie does this to me.. Just ONE!! One person is lying and I can't trust anyone!!
I have serious trust issues!!!

I want to tell you about something funny that happened... Last Thursday I was at Panda's and we were fooling around and playing, wrestling and stuff, in the bed when suddenly I thought there was a child laughing somewhere in the room. Surprised to find out it was me who was laughing! It was such a long time ago hearing my own real laughter I didn't even recognize it my self! I have gotten used to this fake laughter I have, almost thinking it was my real laughter, the way it was supposed to sound now. That's why I got so surprised. Sounding like a kids laughter and I was thinking about chattering birds, made me happy! Happy by hearing my own laughter! Haha!

Maybe I am as strange as people say (Mostly in a good way!?).. Ke ke ke! ^_^

But the same night as hearing my happy laughter, I got panic attacks... I was fighting them all night... Didn't sleep much... It's strange how the mood can change so fast!
The body is a mysterious thing, the BRAIN is a mysterious thing!! I don't get my brain at all!!! Do you?

Well I have too pee real bad now... And maybe try to get some sleep anyway. At least try some more....

Paaai paaaaaaaiii!! XOxo /Teri

My 2012, best and worst.

We have now come a few days into the new year of 2013. So I decided to make a summary of my 2012, month by month... "oh no.." I bet you are thinking, but it's only the best and the worst of every month! let's go!

January 2012.
Best: Got to work at a nice kindergarten for a while.
Worst: A barber cut my hair just before new year and it got OMG ugly and I cried for 3 weeks.... And my Cat got hurt again...

February 2012.
Best: Went to Paris to see K-pop Music Bank, 8 great bands live in concert! It was awesome!
Worst: Broke someones heart.... Stopped working...

Mars 2012.
Best: My first Fried rice (Asian party) party! Spring came...
Worst: Spring left.... Had a bad cold all month...

April 2012.
Best: Spring came back!!
Worst: My wash-dryer/hanger broke...

May 2012.
Best: Had lots of quality time with daughter and my dad turned 50! Went to Riga!
Worst: Gave up on love (Forever?)

June 2012.
Best: Midsummer with mum! Went on afternoon tea and Korean BBQ! SUMMER!! :D
Worst: Midsummer with mum and drunk uncle... ;)

July 2012.
Best: My 21st birthday again! :D Went to see my sis-Liss in Norrköping! Had more Korean food and Soju! NärCon 2012 (Convention)
Worst: What can be bad in summer? Actually nothing bad this month! :) Not for me at least! xD

August 2012.
Best: Met my dear Panda for the first time! <3 Fell in love! Went to Skansen.
Worst: Daughter got lice.... *Chills*

September 2012.
Best: Got together with my panda for real, became a couple! More Korean food with my lovely friends! Saw Nockelback live! First k-pop club i Stockholm opened!
Worst: Got a very bad depression... Got a very bad cold...

October 2012.
Best: My dear friend Elida came and I made her sushi!
Worst: It became colder, autumn... Still have a cold...

November 2012.
Best: Halloween party, started work practice, Daughter turned 5! <3
Worst: Went to the dentist.... Snow came... Still have a cold...

December 2012.
Best: Panda made fresh Vietnamese spring-rolls! WENT TO SEE BIG BANG LIVE IN LONDON!!!! :D
Worst: Loooooooots of snow and cold... Still have my cold....

This was my 2012. I hope 2013 will be even better and filled with happiness, love and money! ;)

Pjuh....

Yesterdays test was embarrassing... I only knew one out of 80 questions on the math part!! And you had to fill in all the answers. I was like: "Maybe B here.. This looks like a C! Hmm... Maybe an A here? E feels good on this one..." But the verbal part in Swedish and English went fine. I had to guess on some but overall I think it went fine!
Afterwards I went to the store and bought candy and then I went to get Daughter! We had cozy snuggle time with movies and candy all night! She fell asleep at 22:30 (10:30 p.m) with me in my bed and both cats. I fell asleep shortly after.

Today Daughter and her friend have helped me clean the apartment by making a mess! Haha! And they still make a mess after I have cleaned...

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor! To try to get a referral to a counselor. But right now I feel kinda fine and a counselor seems a bit unnecessary right now, but I know I have to cause I will get worse again and I need help. To sort out all the things in my head....

I was thinking about writing down my toughs in my head during about.. Hmm.. Maybe 5 minutes, so that you can understand a bit what's going on in my head and laugh about my stupid head! What do you think about that? I think it might be fun.. I did it for a while during the test when I was done and there was time left... It was everything between flying giraffes and Big Bang! ^_^

Maybe later today. I have to write them down on paper first! :)

Hay! You haven't forget to check out my Dayviews for more pictures? Would you like more pictures on the blog?

Fighting!!

Is it me who have super high expectations on today's modern technology in movie making or is the movies getting worse..? Why does the special effects look like a video game? I just saw "Abraham Lincoln - Vampire slayer" and I almost cried from the bad affects... It ruined the whole movie!!!!
I do understand they want to make cool movies.. MOVIES!!! Not video games!!! But try to make them more realistic then instead of messing the whole movie up with bad effects! Geeeez!!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaahh....!!! xD

My day started out really really bad... But it got better! First my mother called and said she wanted to help me, then my Mary called and just talked and then I called Panda but he was on the bus and didn't hear anything and will call later.
I'm so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends who care about me so much! Truly blessed!

I will fight to get well! OK? For the sake of my daughter and my family and friends! And my own of course... ;)

Now it's time for re-runs! :)

Pai!!

Put random title here....

I didn't die at the dentist!! I'm actually kinda proud of my self even thou every time the door into the examination room opened adrenaline ruched through my body in fear when I was waiting outside! haha! But I found out I also have cavities in another tooth and need to fix two teeth... In 2 weeks.... Alone.... The first time in my entire life I'm going to the dentist alone.... I don't want to, so if anyone is free the 24th October you are more than welcome to follow me to Bromma!!! I'll even pay you.. Or something... Just don't let me go alone!!!!!!! Please? m(_ _)m <-- Me begging... 

And today I told my mother about my weekend (Even thou I think she reads my blog?) and she asked me: "Why are you so aggressive when you go out" (Told her about the "fight" and hard style "move people away dance") And I thought about it.... I have lots and lots of built up aggression in my body, just waiting to explode. I told a friend before: "I'm just waiting  for the day someone tries to mug/rape me so that I can kill that person and claim self defense..." And yes I am afraid of myself... Afraid that I'll explode when having my daughter close, that I'll do something bad to her, not being able to control myself. And I have nothing to take out that aggression on... Except hardcore dancing and bar fights! haha!

Wow I really like this song playing on the radio, David Guetta - Play hard. Except for the Dj MangooEuro-shit mix part... He is a stupid f*ck.... (Never EVER have sex with a DJ.. Just a tip!)

The lady with the apartment haven't answered my e-mails... Not even a single "Fuck you, I changed my mind..." Makes me sad, I was hoping a bit.... I really really NEED to move! I need to have my friends within at least a 30 min radius. And I need a job, I need people around me, even if it's a stranger on the bus or a crowd in the subway (involuntarily hugging!! <3).

My teeth feels strange... And shiny! :D I think I have to eat something, again... 3rd dinner! haha!
And if anyone would like to buy a cold with slimy coughing, golf ball thick tonsils and a runny nose you can have it for any price, just take it! You can have it for free if you want to!!

I was going to see a movie.. Where did the movie go? Well I have to put it ON right? Or maybe sleep...? No, move makes my brain sit like a child in front of a good cartoon, still and quiet... ;)

Have to go.. Pai pai!

The weekend!

WOW how I hate tehcnology! But I love the ones who can fix it! Thuesday 2nd my computer died... For good.... (R.I.P) That's why I have'nt updated in a few days. But my lovely stepfather gave me a laptop!!!! Can you get how nice that is?!?! It's not a new one, but I don't care as long as it works. I'm really happy! I just had to leave it at a friends place for him to fix a few things on it.

Now let me tell you about my weekend!
Friday: Got to my Panda, aruing with his friends about which noghtclub we were supposed to go to. Desided on Göta Källare as planned at first. Met up with the others outside and got in. Almost empty.... But after a while there was more people there and we had allot of fun! Me and my Mary almost got in a fight and hardcore danced all night lon.. Well untill my body told me how old I really am.....

Lucas, Panda, K, me and my Mary! <3

But the best thing about Friday was when I got to sheck my mail on Pandas computer and saw I got a mail from a lady who wanted to trade her 3 room appartment in Bagarmossen (Stockholm) to my 2 roomer here in this little town! She actually want to live here AND her 3 roomer is 150 SEK sheeper than my 2 roomer!!! Do you get that? I get a room more and pay less!!! :D
Now I just have to find a job, like RIGHT NOW!
I picked on guys... But that you will read more about in Saturady's story!

And Saturday.. Oh dear I wanted to take it easy, see a movie and just relax... We went for a "Fika" (Typical Swedish thing apparantly.. Coffee and some cake..) Panda got tired and went home to sleep. Me and K stayed in town and waited for Whifie (My whife) and went to see a move. Saw Paranorman in 3D. I don't like 3D, it makes my eyes and head hurt.... But the movie was good, really funny some times!

Then we went to another nightclub, Amnesia. We were all tired but I had a fun time. I was just thinking a little too much.... I'm so stressed right now... Oh and yeah, I was picking on guys, but not to get laid or anything.. I was looking for a job! haha! Not even out having fun I can relax....

Today Sunday.. Woke up with a weird mood... Felt really tired all the time, almost fainted when blowdrying my hair... I went to rest on the sofa and fell asleep for a while. I woke up after a few minutes and got up to get ready, felt really week, lay on the sofa again... Panda came home from the store with energy drinks for me. <3 We got in the car to go get my computer at his friends. I was talking and happy... But suddenly I started to cry without ant reason.. It just.... The tears was just flowing... I put my self together, fell asleep again in the car a few times, but when we almost got to the bus station I started crying again. I didn't want to leave Panda. Not when I felt this way... All I wanted was to be hugged. Not to be alone.

When I got home the cat had peed on my slippers and I got so mad!!! It was rage!! I threw the cat out (Gently) and threw the slippers in the washing machine, mopped the floor and sat down to install my computer. Then Daughter got home and I felt calm again. Now I'm really tired, but I'm affraid to sleep. Don't know why...

Maybe I need to sleep soon... Just have to fix a few more things on the computer.

Pai pai!

Heeey sexy lady~

I really really really want to move to Stockholm. It's OK to go there by bus from here, I'm fine with that.. But THEY are not fine with me doing that. And by they I mean the employers! I can't find a job here in this small city where I live... And I can't get a job in Stockholm because I live in this small shitty town... Witch means I have to move... And no one wants to live here, so I can't switch apartments with anyone. I'm doomed!! *Picks up gun and puts to head*
And I really miss my friends there... And my bestest friend is moving there soon too.... I'm all alone here.... No work, no friends, no happiness... *Shoot gun...*

Anyway~
About PSY! I have to admit... This was pretty awesome!!!

Take a look!

I mean... Wow... What an audience!! I wish I could have been there! :D



Did I forget to mention that it's frickin' cold in my apartment? Well... 19-20°C is normal, but to me it's really cold!! And I get colds, because of the cold... I'm really sensitive to temperature changes! Well, I just have to go buy those stupid vitamins.... And dress like the Michelin Man!

Now it's time for some series and maybe a movie before I go to bad! And TEA!! Don't forget the tea..... Cold.... Warm sweet tea... Mmmmm... Gaaaahh..... *Drool*


Pai pai!!