Happy new year!
Or... New year at least.... 2014 started with a major depression. I feel better now, but still a bit depressed....
I... The one who always said that marriage is bogus, love never lasts, love is fake, love is just a mix of hormones in your body.... I have been crying over proposal videos on YouTube all afternoon!! And some wedding videos too! I... Who absolutely, definitely, never ever would get married, have already planed my wedding into the smallest detail!
From the dress (almost!) to the songs that will be played! And with who????
I don't think I will ever get the romantic fantasy wedding of my dreams..... Because Panda isn't very romantic, at all, and a bit too selfish too... ;) He would make it HIS day! haha! IF we ever get married at all....
But I can't see my self marrying anyone else.... I didn't even want to get married before I met him!!
But things go too slow... Too many things are in the way and stuff happening, minds changing, lack of money and other obstacles are in the way of us even moving in together, so marriage is out of the question, just a dream... A far far far away dream....
Moving in together is a dream too? Being happy, it's a dream too? Well, depression..... Hello again and you are not welcome back!
Now my focus will be on my studies! My goal will be to finish. 4 years of studying! FIGHTING!!
Showing posts with label Living. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Living. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Sunday, February 3, 2013
My 50th post!
But I can't celebrate... I can't sleep. My stomach and chest is burning with worry and my hands are shaking. Not to talk about my brain going crazy! I have trust issues again....
It's strange how one fucking lie can fuck you up so much!
Thinking back, all the memories, all the hurting, all the pain, all the anxiety... Re-living it again... It's not fun and I don't want to!!! I can't trust anyone, not even my self sometimes.... I just want to cry, but this time I won't let my self do that.
This time, if this person is willing to fight to regain my trust, I will not cry! Instead I will try. I want to trust... But... One lie makes me think "What else is there that have been lies? Is ***** lying about something else? Have ***** done something ***** is lying about?" Well you get the picture.... Just one lie does this to me.. Just ONE!! One person is lying and I can't trust anyone!!
I have serious trust issues!!!
I want to tell you about something funny that happened... Last Thursday I was at Panda's and we were fooling around and playing, wrestling and stuff, in the bed when suddenly I thought there was a child laughing somewhere in the room. Surprised to find out it was me who was laughing! It was such a long time ago hearing my own real laughter I didn't even recognize it my self! I have gotten used to this fake laughter I have, almost thinking it was my real laughter, the way it was supposed to sound now. That's why I got so surprised. Sounding like a kids laughter and I was thinking about chattering birds, made me happy! Happy by hearing my own laughter! Haha!
Maybe I am as strange as people say (Mostly in a good way!?).. Ke ke ke! ^_^
But the same night as hearing my happy laughter, I got panic attacks... I was fighting them all night... Didn't sleep much... It's strange how the mood can change so fast!
The body is a mysterious thing, the BRAIN is a mysterious thing!! I don't get my brain at all!!! Do you?
Well I have too pee real bad now... And maybe try to get some sleep anyway. At least try some more....
It's strange how one fucking lie can fuck you up so much!
Thinking back, all the memories, all the hurting, all the pain, all the anxiety... Re-living it again... It's not fun and I don't want to!!! I can't trust anyone, not even my self sometimes.... I just want to cry, but this time I won't let my self do that.
This time, if this person is willing to fight to regain my trust, I will not cry! Instead I will try. I want to trust... But... One lie makes me think "What else is there that have been lies? Is ***** lying about something else? Have ***** done something ***** is lying about?" Well you get the picture.... Just one lie does this to me.. Just ONE!! One person is lying and I can't trust anyone!!
I have serious trust issues!!!
I want to tell you about something funny that happened... Last Thursday I was at Panda's and we were fooling around and playing, wrestling and stuff, in the bed when suddenly I thought there was a child laughing somewhere in the room. Surprised to find out it was me who was laughing! It was such a long time ago hearing my own real laughter I didn't even recognize it my self! I have gotten used to this fake laughter I have, almost thinking it was my real laughter, the way it was supposed to sound now. That's why I got so surprised. Sounding like a kids laughter and I was thinking about chattering birds, made me happy! Happy by hearing my own laughter! Haha!
Maybe I am as strange as people say (Mostly in a good way!?).. Ke ke ke! ^_^
But the same night as hearing my happy laughter, I got panic attacks... I was fighting them all night... Didn't sleep much... It's strange how the mood can change so fast!
The body is a mysterious thing, the BRAIN is a mysterious thing!! I don't get my brain at all!!! Do you?
Well I have too pee real bad now... And maybe try to get some sleep anyway. At least try some more....
Paaai paaaaaaaiii!! XOxo /Teri
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Put random title here....
I didn't die at the dentist!! I'm actually kinda proud of my self even thou every time the door into the examination room opened adrenaline ruched through my body in fear when I was waiting outside! haha! But I found out I also have cavities in another tooth and need to fix two teeth... In 2 weeks.... Alone.... The first time in my entire life I'm going to the dentist alone.... I don't want to, so if anyone is free the 24th October you are more than welcome to follow me to Bromma!!! I'll even pay you.. Or something... Just don't let me go alone!!!!!!! Please? m(_ _)m <-- Me begging...
And today I told my mother about my weekend (Even thou I think she reads my blog?) and she asked me: "Why are you so aggressive when you go out" (Told her about the "fight" and hard style "move people away dance") And I thought about it.... I have lots and lots of built up aggression in my body, just waiting to explode. I told a friend before: "I'm just waiting for the day someone tries to mug/rape me so that I can kill that person and claim self defense..." And yes I am afraid of myself... Afraid that I'll explode when having my daughter close, that I'll do something bad to her, not being able to control myself. And I have nothing to take out that aggression on... Except hardcore dancing and bar fights! haha!
The lady with the apartment haven't answered my e-mails... Not even a single "Fuck you, I changed my mind..." Makes me sad, I was hoping a bit.... I really really NEED to move! I need to have my friends within at least a 30 min radius. And I need a job, I need people around me, even if it's a stranger on the bus or a crowd in the subway (involuntarily hugging!! <3).
My teeth feels strange... And shiny! :D I think I have to eat something, again... 3rd dinner! haha!
And if anyone would like to buy a cold with slimy coughing, golf ball thick tonsils and a runny nose you can have it for any price, just take it! You can have it for free if you want to!!
I was going to see a movie.. Where did the movie go? Well I have to put it ON right? Or maybe sleep...? No, move makes my brain sit like a child in front of a good cartoon, still and quiet... ;)
Have to go.. Pai pai!
And today I told my mother about my weekend (Even thou I think she reads my blog?) and she asked me: "Why are you so aggressive when you go out" (Told her about the "fight" and hard style "move people away dance") And I thought about it.... I have lots and lots of built up aggression in my body, just waiting to explode. I told a friend before: "I'm just waiting for the day someone tries to mug/rape me so that I can kill that person and claim self defense..." And yes I am afraid of myself... Afraid that I'll explode when having my daughter close, that I'll do something bad to her, not being able to control myself. And I have nothing to take out that aggression on... Except hardcore dancing and bar fights! haha!
Wow I really like this song playing on the radio, David Guetta - Play hard. Except for the Dj MangooEuro-shit mix part... He is a stupid f*ck.... (Never EVER have sex with a DJ.. Just a tip!)
The lady with the apartment haven't answered my e-mails... Not even a single "Fuck you, I changed my mind..." Makes me sad, I was hoping a bit.... I really really NEED to move! I need to have my friends within at least a 30 min radius. And I need a job, I need people around me, even if it's a stranger on the bus or a crowd in the subway (involuntarily hugging!! <3).
My teeth feels strange... And shiny! :D I think I have to eat something, again... 3rd dinner! haha!
And if anyone would like to buy a cold with slimy coughing, golf ball thick tonsils and a runny nose you can have it for any price, just take it! You can have it for free if you want to!!
I was going to see a movie.. Where did the movie go? Well I have to put it ON right? Or maybe sleep...? No, move makes my brain sit like a child in front of a good cartoon, still and quiet... ;)
Have to go.. Pai pai!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Heeey sexy lady~
I really really really want to move to Stockholm. It's OK to go there by bus from here, I'm fine with that.. But THEY are not fine with me doing that. And by they I mean the employers! I can't find a job here in this small city where I live... And I can't get a job in Stockholm because I live in this small shitty town... Witch means I have to move... And no one wants to live here, so I can't switch apartments with anyone. I'm doomed!! *Picks up gun and puts to head*
And I really miss my friends there... And my bestest friend is moving there soon too.... I'm all alone here.... No work, no friends, no happiness... *Shoot gun...*
Anyway~
About PSY! I have to admit... This was pretty awesome!!!
Take a look!
I mean... Wow... What an audience!! I wish I could have been there! :D
Did I forget to mention that it's frickin' cold in my apartment? Well... 19-20°C is normal, but to me it's really cold!! And I get colds, because of the cold... I'm really sensitive to temperature changes! Well, I just have to go buy those stupid vitamins.... And dress like the Michelin Man!
Now it's time for some series and maybe a movie before I go to bad! And TEA!! Don't forget the tea..... Cold.... Warm sweet tea... Mmmmm... Gaaaahh..... *Drool*
Pai pai!!
And I really miss my friends there... And my bestest friend is moving there soon too.... I'm all alone here.... No work, no friends, no happiness... *Shoot gun...*
Anyway~
About PSY! I have to admit... This was pretty awesome!!!
Take a look!
I mean... Wow... What an audience!! I wish I could have been there! :D
Did I forget to mention that it's frickin' cold in my apartment? Well... 19-20°C is normal, but to me it's really cold!! And I get colds, because of the cold... I'm really sensitive to temperature changes! Well, I just have to go buy those stupid vitamins.... And dress like the Michelin Man!
Now it's time for some series and maybe a movie before I go to bad! And TEA!! Don't forget the tea..... Cold.... Warm sweet tea... Mmmmm... Gaaaahh..... *Drool*
Pai pai!!
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