Long time no see!

Long time ago since I last wrote something in here.... But who cares right? ;)

I feel I have to write down some stuff right now. So much have happened since the last post.
Daughter is doing fine in school! She loves math and I'm very proud of her, only being 6 years old and doing math on her free time.
I'm still with my Panda boy! I love him very much! But we are still living apart and still standing on the same spot that we begun with. Me living in my place with my daughter, he living over there at his place, I'm visiting him when i get the time.... It's hard!!
I still don't have a job... And it sucks! So tired of this now. I went to school for about 3 months, got an internship where they said I might get to work extra. They never called...
I got a job at a coffee shop and after two days working the boss said I sucked and had to quit! That wh*re... I was doing good, but she had something against me from the start...
Then I got another interview and it went fine! Everything sounded so good. I was supposed to come and try a few days out. But 2 weeks after the interview I got a TEXT, a Saturday night at about 8 in the evening, saying they had lost an important client and couldn't hire me.

And now I'm so tired and hurt from all this I don't even know if I want to work anymore..... Well, I do want to work, but it's hard to get to the point to actually apply, in fear of getting rejected or being told I suck again.

So I was thinking about studying again, this time for real. About four years in college to become a preschool teacher. It will mean lots of loans to pay back later and living in poverty, but that I'm used to now. I thought I didn't want to become a preschool teacher, because of the heavy lifting, the loud environment and the monotone workdays. But when I get to work extra at the preschool and the kids come running screaming my name and giving me hugs, it's totally worth it!

I'm now building up my confidence again and my strength to actually pic up the phone and dial the number to the career counselors before it's too late. And to apply for more jobs. Because right now I'm feeling like I'm in a deep dark hole and can't get out.... Someone please throw me a ladder or a rope to climb!!

Or i might cuddle up in the darkness and only speak with the demons in my head forever on....

What a depressing post! But it's almost Christmas and I will be spending it with the people i love the most, but not all at the same time. The day before Christmas I will go see my grandmother, Christmas will be spent with my mum, her husband, my uncle and of course my lovely daughter! Maybe we will go see my dad in the evening too, and my siblings, and grannie. And the day after we might visit Panda if he got the time.

Tomorrow Daughter and I will go and donate some teddy bears to the sick and poor children in other countries. We have so many and they need them more than we do! And in the same time we will visit my mother at work.

Trying to stay positive!!

Merry X-mas!!

Oh the stupidity!!!!

I am watching "Cops" and "Speeders" on TV and it amazes me how stupid people are!

First: Why do drugs at all? And if you have to do drugs, why do you take the car and brake traffic regulations and get caught for both?
Second: Why do you try to run when you have been caught? I have never ever heard of someone getting away after getting caught! Ever! And trying to run while cuffed? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?!?!
Third: Trying to lie about not having anything on you... They will search you!
Forth: Why!?!?! WHY!?!?!?! Why do you even do things like this?

I get if you are poor and need to get money, but there is other ways.... I'm not the riches girl in the world.. But I don't steal, I don't do drugs, I don't do crime! But you know what? I fight! Not with my fists, but with my mind! My stubborn determent mind.

And "Speeders"... A bunch of teenage girls wearing no underwear, drinking beer in the car, getting pulled over and saying (Drunk as fuck): "Have I been a bad girl? Can I get a spanking instead of a ticket?" *FACEPALM* Or the ones that got away with a warning and still tries to argue about it....
 Oh the stupidity!!!!

Back to my reality....
I haven't updated in a while because I don't know what to say. In my last post I said life was all well and going forward. But as usual when I open my mouth the "shut you mouth and suffer bitch"- bomb drops on me!

But at least yesterday was a good day! The sun was shining, I was with my best friends and the love of my life (Yes he is!!) and we had a fun afternoon at the amusement park Gröna Lund in Stockholm! Me and Panda (Mostly Panda!!) are cowards and don't ride all the rides. I don't mostly because of my back and my heart.
Yeah I have a heart "problem". I have stress hormones around my heart that makes the nerves around it kick in and make the heart beat irregular and very fast/hard. Stress kills me and I'm stressed all the time....
Anyway... We had a fun time and Panda won a game slinging balls in a slingshot on a pile of cans! TWICE!! :D I'm such a proud Panda girlfriend! He got a large fabric flower with a smiley face! haha!
And this morning I didn't have to get up really early, so I could stay in bed till Panda woke up and had to go to work. We both wanted to stay in bed and cuddle. He is so cuddle friendly! haha! Soft and cozy! ^_^ Like a big baby!! hahahaha! Oh dear I love him!

And yeah my work practice is over... A bit sad, the kids are great and I will really miss them! And the personal too! I can only hope to come and work a bit now and then. And Daughter will be in that school so I will get to see them now and then! :)

Now I'm dead tired.... Have to wait for Daughter to go to bed... haha! Tomorrow she is going to a birthday party, my cousins daughter and Daughter's best friend! :) SOFA! Here I come!! ^_^

Pai!!//Teri

Monday!!!!

It's Monday! Yeay.... Put kids shoes on wrong, fell down a stone wall, my ear hurt, migraine, dropped everything I had in my hands all day.. It's Monday!! Had to quit earlier to get Daughter to the child care center for a check-up and vaccine. She was sooo good! The needle was scary, but she was brave! I would have cried!! Haha! Couldn't even watch... Treated us wits a hamburger and ice cream at McDonalds afterwards. Got a mail from my mum... From Tokyo... I MISS HER!!! Mum!!! Come home, I have allot to talk to you about..... T__T

Tomorrow it's time for me to get a check-up... And I have so much to do right now... No energy and no time... And I feel sad, on behalf of others and my own. I hate that I bring in others pain into my own body and soul. But I can't help it, I don't know how to stop it. And I hate that I let other people get to me in a bad way.... All I want now is for everyone to be happy and everything to be over!
But I'm happy to have such good friends, family, daughter and boyfriend! I really love them all with all my heart and soul!

Yesterday I talked to my "twin sister/soul-mate" on the phone for almost 4 hours!!! When we talk time flies by!! I'm happy she is closer now, even if it's still a bit hard to see each other when ever we want to, but it feels better! Like I have a piece of my self a bit closer! ^_^ <3 LOVE YOU SIS!!

Well that's all folks!!

Pai!! //Teri

And the "best boyfriend award" goes to....

I really must have the best boyfriend ever! Yesterday (Saturday) my... Friend?... Let me down and I had to drink my wine alone. Panda didn't want to drink, but opened a cider for my sake.

Let me explain now.... I had a small "3-glass of wine bottle", I opened it do have a glass for dinner but I also bought it (and a few beers) to drink with my friend, who said she missed me 'cause we hadn't seen each other for a while. At first she was supposed to come Friday, but didn't come and said there is another day on this weekend..Then on Saturday she didn't even answer my calls or texts! And I had a small bottle of wine opened..... I was sad and mad and didn't want to drink alone and didn't want to pour out the wine, so my dear sweet Panda opened a cider that I bought for him to drink (with me and the friend). He didn't even like it, but drank it with me so that I wouldn't feel alone! THAT my friends is LOVE!!

I feel blessed to have him in my life. I know I sometimes tell my friends only the bad stuff and forget about the good stuff he does, the good stuff that is greater than any bad thing. He really is a great man! The best I've ever had! and I don't deserve him... Really! And I wait for the day when the bomb will drop on me... The catastrophic "make Teri's life a mess" bomb.... Anyway, I hope we will last a long long time! <3 No bombs...

Now he is having a bit of a hard time and I really wish I could do more for him.... I want to be the one he come to, the ones' shoulder he cries on, the one he fully trust.... The one to help him! But, I'm STILL not a superhero.... I want to be a superhero... I want to save the world.... Damnit.....

Well, I do my best! All I can do....

Have to go to bed now... Sleep away this two weeks.. I miss my Panda already, and we can't see each other in two weeks now since my mother and her husband is in Japan and can't take Daughter on Thursdays as usual.

Pai pai!! //Teri

FUCK!!!!!

If you love someone, you have to let them go. Isn't it so?
Tomorrow it's been 6 months with Panda. And maybe 6 moths is all we get...? I don't want to be the one who stand in the way of someones dreams or possibilities, and I won't. But my heart is screaming "I LOVE YOU!! DON'T GO!!"
He says I don't have to cry, it's not decided yet. But it feels like he is saying nice things and doing nice things just to keep me happy until he goes. Just yesterday I told my friend "I can finally see a future with someone, a future with him." And a few weeks ago I told another friend "I'm just waiting for that bomb to drop on me. The one that always comes when I'm happy and feeling good and in love." BOOM there it is...

I have been crying so much my T-shirt is wet... I just have to process this.... IF he goes, witch means we have to break up since I can't go with him, I will never ever be able to love again. Not for a very long time. That bastard really stole my heart.... Having marriage- and pregnancy dreams (HEY! I don't want to get married or have children. But I had a dream about it!) and being happy, both in the dreams and in reality when thinking about it. It never happened before. Fuck the dude just made me laugh for real for the fist time in a very very long time! I'm happy!! And now...

I'm not going to push him to stay, I'm going to encourage him. I don't want him to stay because of my own ego. But I hope he stays, that HE decides to stay on his own. I really do... I can't deny that. I will try not to unconsciously affect him, but since I don't want him to go, I probably will in some way....

Have to try to sleep now... Have to get up early..

Pai pai.... /Teri

My 2012, best and worst.

We have now come a few days into the new year of 2013. So I decided to make a summary of my 2012, month by month... "oh no.." I bet you are thinking, but it's only the best and the worst of every month! let's go!

January 2012.
Best: Got to work at a nice kindergarten for a while.
Worst: A barber cut my hair just before new year and it got OMG ugly and I cried for 3 weeks.... And my Cat got hurt again...

February 2012.
Best: Went to Paris to see K-pop Music Bank, 8 great bands live in concert! It was awesome!
Worst: Broke someones heart.... Stopped working...

Mars 2012.
Best: My first Fried rice (Asian party) party! Spring came...
Worst: Spring left.... Had a bad cold all month...

April 2012.
Best: Spring came back!!
Worst: My wash-dryer/hanger broke...

May 2012.
Best: Had lots of quality time with daughter and my dad turned 50! Went to Riga!
Worst: Gave up on love (Forever?)

June 2012.
Best: Midsummer with mum! Went on afternoon tea and Korean BBQ! SUMMER!! :D
Worst: Midsummer with mum and drunk uncle... ;)

July 2012.
Best: My 21st birthday again! :D Went to see my sis-Liss in Norrköping! Had more Korean food and Soju! NärCon 2012 (Convention)
Worst: What can be bad in summer? Actually nothing bad this month! :) Not for me at least! xD

August 2012.
Best: Met my dear Panda for the first time! <3 Fell in love! Went to Skansen.
Worst: Daughter got lice.... *Chills*

September 2012.
Best: Got together with my panda for real, became a couple! More Korean food with my lovely friends! Saw Nockelback live! First k-pop club i Stockholm opened!
Worst: Got a very bad depression... Got a very bad cold...

October 2012.
Best: My dear friend Elida came and I made her sushi!
Worst: It became colder, autumn... Still have a cold...

November 2012.
Best: Halloween party, started work practice, Daughter turned 5! <3
Worst: Went to the dentist.... Snow came... Still have a cold...

December 2012.
Best: Panda made fresh Vietnamese spring-rolls! WENT TO SEE BIG BANG LIVE IN LONDON!!!! :D
Worst: Loooooooots of snow and cold... Still have my cold....

This was my 2012. I hope 2013 will be even better and filled with happiness, love and money! ;)

I's been a while!

I has been a whine since my last post. My desire to write has not been there. I have been thinking about it some times, but then the energy to write just wasn't there. But here I am now and I will try to update a bit more.

What have happened since the last post?
December was cold as usual. I still have my work practice and I like it very much. X-mas was celebrated two times, once with my daughter at my grandmothers and once with my mother. Daughter was at her father this Christmas. It was lonely without her. New years I spent with some friends. My Panda was away in Poland and I missed him very very much. But it was a great new years eve! The year have started good, I'm happy with it so far. Panda and I are getting closer every day and I'm happy! I have the best of friends and the greatest daughter in the whole wide world!

Today it's really really cold. Minus 23 degrees. I really don't feel like going outside. But eventually I have to. I want spring now, so that the cats can go outside. They are driving me and each other crazy!! Woke up 3 times this night because of them roaming around the house like crazy!! And of course I want spring and summer so it won't take 15 minutes just to get dressed to go outside! And so I don't have to be so cold all the time... I'm not a winter person.

OH! And I also went to see the Big Bang concert in London! OMG it was totally awesome!! And London was really nice, and warm! Felt like spring!!

Fighting!!

Is it me who have super high expectations on today's modern technology in movie making or is the movies getting worse..? Why does the special effects look like a video game? I just saw "Abraham Lincoln - Vampire slayer" and I almost cried from the bad affects... It ruined the whole movie!!!!
I do understand they want to make cool movies.. MOVIES!!! Not video games!!! But try to make them more realistic then instead of messing the whole movie up with bad effects! Geeeez!!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaahh....!!! xD

My day started out really really bad... But it got better! First my mother called and said she wanted to help me, then my Mary called and just talked and then I called Panda but he was on the bus and didn't hear anything and will call later.
I'm so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends who care about me so much! Truly blessed!

I will fight to get well! OK? For the sake of my daughter and my family and friends! And my own of course... ;)

Now it's time for re-runs! :)

Pai!!

I'm still ALIVE! I'm still ALIVE!!!!

YEAY! I don't have to shoot myself!! :D I have the best brother in the world I tell ya! THE BEST!!
If I hadn't had such a wonderful brother I would have to sell my kidney on the black market (Trust me, I would do it!!) cause I HAVE to see them!!!

Now I have to start saving money! I already have.... *counting* 50 Sek... That's 1/7 of the plane ticket to go there! ;)
We leave on Friday and I will get back on Sunday (Even thou it's a more expensive ticket that day, the others go home on Monday with a cheaper ticket!) because I have "work" on Monday and I have to get home to Tindra.... Feels a bit... Like burning in my wallet, but I have to! I don't need to eat when I'm there.... Maybe some cheap bread or something,... haha!

Apparently my plane ticket will cost 1024 Sek just because I go home on Sunday.... :( The others will pay about 801 Sek to go home on Monday...

SO My dear family and friends reading this.... What I want for (EARLY) X-mas present is MONEY for traveling and food! Nothing else!!

I got stuck looking for hostels.... Any tip where you can live very cheep in London?!?!? Give it to me!! :)

Have to go eat something,... Again.. ;)

PAI!!!

Today!

I hate technology.... The TV-antenna is broken so I have no channels, the computer has some malfunction in the system files and my trusty old phone is acting up... I had to stress-pay my bills today, and restart the computer in the middle of it...

Today we visited Tindras->fathers->girlfriends->sister (rigid aunt?) in the hospital. She got happy to see Tindra again and Tindra got happy to see her! :) I really hope she gets well soon! One of the nicest persons I know, doesn't deserve being ill... GET WELL SOON A!! <3

Today I will dye my hair! Maybe there will be photos if it goes well... ;)