Long time no see!

Long time ago since I last wrote something in here.... But who cares right? ;)

I feel I have to write down some stuff right now. So much have happened since the last post.
Daughter is doing fine in school! She loves math and I'm very proud of her, only being 6 years old and doing math on her free time.
I'm still with my Panda boy! I love him very much! But we are still living apart and still standing on the same spot that we begun with. Me living in my place with my daughter, he living over there at his place, I'm visiting him when i get the time.... It's hard!!
I still don't have a job... And it sucks! So tired of this now. I went to school for about 3 months, got an internship where they said I might get to work extra. They never called...
I got a job at a coffee shop and after two days working the boss said I sucked and had to quit! That wh*re... I was doing good, but she had something against me from the start...
Then I got another interview and it went fine! Everything sounded so good. I was supposed to come and try a few days out. But 2 weeks after the interview I got a TEXT, a Saturday night at about 8 in the evening, saying they had lost an important client and couldn't hire me.

And now I'm so tired and hurt from all this I don't even know if I want to work anymore..... Well, I do want to work, but it's hard to get to the point to actually apply, in fear of getting rejected or being told I suck again.

So I was thinking about studying again, this time for real. About four years in college to become a preschool teacher. It will mean lots of loans to pay back later and living in poverty, but that I'm used to now. I thought I didn't want to become a preschool teacher, because of the heavy lifting, the loud environment and the monotone workdays. But when I get to work extra at the preschool and the kids come running screaming my name and giving me hugs, it's totally worth it!

I'm now building up my confidence again and my strength to actually pic up the phone and dial the number to the career counselors before it's too late. And to apply for more jobs. Because right now I'm feeling like I'm in a deep dark hole and can't get out.... Someone please throw me a ladder or a rope to climb!!

Or i might cuddle up in the darkness and only speak with the demons in my head forever on....

What a depressing post! But it's almost Christmas and I will be spending it with the people i love the most, but not all at the same time. The day before Christmas I will go see my grandmother, Christmas will be spent with my mum, her husband, my uncle and of course my lovely daughter! Maybe we will go see my dad in the evening too, and my siblings, and grannie. And the day after we might visit Panda if he got the time.

Tomorrow Daughter and I will go and donate some teddy bears to the sick and poor children in other countries. We have so many and they need them more than we do! And in the same time we will visit my mother at work.

Trying to stay positive!!

Merry X-mas!!

Monday!!!!

It's Monday! Yeay.... Put kids shoes on wrong, fell down a stone wall, my ear hurt, migraine, dropped everything I had in my hands all day.. It's Monday!! Had to quit earlier to get Daughter to the child care center for a check-up and vaccine. She was sooo good! The needle was scary, but she was brave! I would have cried!! Haha! Couldn't even watch... Treated us wits a hamburger and ice cream at McDonalds afterwards. Got a mail from my mum... From Tokyo... I MISS HER!!! Mum!!! Come home, I have allot to talk to you about..... T__T

Tomorrow it's time for me to get a check-up... And I have so much to do right now... No energy and no time... And I feel sad, on behalf of others and my own. I hate that I bring in others pain into my own body and soul. But I can't help it, I don't know how to stop it. And I hate that I let other people get to me in a bad way.... All I want now is for everyone to be happy and everything to be over!
But I'm happy to have such good friends, family, daughter and boyfriend! I really love them all with all my heart and soul!

Yesterday I talked to my "twin sister/soul-mate" on the phone for almost 4 hours!!! When we talk time flies by!! I'm happy she is closer now, even if it's still a bit hard to see each other when ever we want to, but it feels better! Like I have a piece of my self a bit closer! ^_^ <3 LOVE YOU SIS!!

Well that's all folks!!

Pai!! //Teri

Xin chao!

God damn that Candy Crush Saga game on Facebook! Addictive game....

I'm such a bad girlfriend... (But I think many would do the same thing!) Not supportive at all... Just crying and screaming, "Don't leave me! I'll do anything!" But if he want to go.... He will go... And I have to let him go... But until that, I'll try to be a better girlfriend!

Apparently we are going to celebrate Vietnamese/Chinese new year the 16th of February, going to a private party full of Vietnamese people. A bit scary actually... But he almost begged me, so I have to go! haha! I have a feeling I will feel very lonely, even if there is SOME people I know there. Well he promised not to leave me alone for very long moments. ;)
And then there will be k-pop all night long. K-pop club (nonstop) in Stockholm, right after the Viet new years party!
"Dress nicely" he said... -___-' What's nice in Vietnam? haha! I have to go shopping.... And get my nails done!!! :O And dye my hair!! Wow the pressure.....

I have such a strong pain in my neck and shoulder right now I feel like crying. And I always manage to carry heavy stuff or play too rough with the children, like today, I threw one kid over my shoulder... Big mistake! I can't even carry my handbag!!! If it doesn't get better in two weeks I'll go see a doctor. Maybe...

Today I got a call from my landlord! I will get a new refrigerator and fridge and new cabinets in the kitchen!! *Yeay* Finally! I have lived here for about 7 years soon and nothing is new. I will also get new wallpapers soon, I hope! haha! I will feel even more happy when the apartment is fresh and clean. Not like now, like a dump.. Wallpapers coming off and looking hideous...

Time is ticking, I have to take my soar neck and go to sleeeeep.....

Pai pai!! //Teri

My 50th post!

But I can't celebrate... I can't sleep. My stomach and chest is burning with worry and my hands are shaking. Not to talk about my brain going crazy! I have trust issues again....
It's strange how one fucking lie can fuck you up so much!

Thinking back, all the memories, all the hurting, all the pain, all the anxiety... Re-living it again... It's not fun and I don't want to!!! I can't trust anyone, not even my self sometimes.... I just want to cry, but this time I won't let my self do that.
This time, if this person is willing to fight to regain my trust, I will not cry! Instead I will try. I want to trust... But... One lie makes me think "What else is there that have been lies? Is ***** lying about something else? Have ***** done something ***** is lying about?" Well you get the picture.... Just one lie does this to me.. Just ONE!! One person is lying and I can't trust anyone!!
I have serious trust issues!!!

I want to tell you about something funny that happened... Last Thursday I was at Panda's and we were fooling around and playing, wrestling and stuff, in the bed when suddenly I thought there was a child laughing somewhere in the room. Surprised to find out it was me who was laughing! It was such a long time ago hearing my own real laughter I didn't even recognize it my self! I have gotten used to this fake laughter I have, almost thinking it was my real laughter, the way it was supposed to sound now. That's why I got so surprised. Sounding like a kids laughter and I was thinking about chattering birds, made me happy! Happy by hearing my own laughter! Haha!

Maybe I am as strange as people say (Mostly in a good way!?).. Ke ke ke! ^_^

But the same night as hearing my happy laughter, I got panic attacks... I was fighting them all night... Didn't sleep much... It's strange how the mood can change so fast!
The body is a mysterious thing, the BRAIN is a mysterious thing!! I don't get my brain at all!!! Do you?

Well I have too pee real bad now... And maybe try to get some sleep anyway. At least try some more....

Paaai paaaaaaaiii!! XOxo /Teri

I will go shot myself now!

I think I will go shoot myself right now... My friends are planning and happy on Skype and I can just sit there and read it all and cry....
Big Bang ins coming to London and I have no money... BIG BANG!!! It's like a dream come true! if I get to see them I can die happy... I will never ever ask for anything else in my whole life! Damnit I would even sell my own mother to see them!! (yes I have told her that...) But... The ticets are 1000 Sek and are released on the 26th.. I get 1247 Sek on the 27th... Yeah I'm fucked and even if I got the money on the 26th I cant feed my daughter for a month... I can gladly starve for 2 months to be able to see them, but she can't....

It was nice talking to you and knowing you all.... I have to go find a gun now.. Bye....